By Yours Truly.
Please don’t mind my terrible punuation; I truly didn’t plan to be at this place with my image in my early twenties. I remember growing up and always feeling awkward about being, well…lanky and slopped over in a sense. I was small breasted for a long time. So that was something I always wondered about. When was I going to get some titties! In time you grow up, and things begin to fall into place. I never was the girl that wore tight clothes, or showed the goods. I was a little tomboyish I liked my baggy shorts and t-shirts with odd things written on them. Like ‘brat’ interesting enough. Glad I made through a bit more stylish now a days. I didn’t start paying really close attention to my body until I turned 18. Amazing huh, I spent my teenage years worrying about things teens SHOULD not have to worry about. I think something that will have a profound impact on body image, is really considering sitting down and explaining to our young women of the future about body image, ways to deal with being happy, and the most important healthy lifestyle. It really doesn’t seem like my community takes too much concern in health care. I most definitely believe that being ‘healthy’ is a fundamental part in society. Maybe someone should offer free classes for single mothers on nutrition. As much as they like to say the shit is out there… It really isn’t.
I could go on and on about this but I can say this contributed to the things that are to come that brought me to this place where I absolutely felt compelled to tell this story. I have seen so many friends of mine going thru the same thing. It breaks your spirit. It pretends to be your best friend. It is the Kleenex to your tears after he doesn’t call. It doesn’t talk back or have the wrong perception of you.
Food.
It is something you need for survival but can cripple your survival all in the same moment and breath. You never been starving but always hungry to climb this ladder and these expectations the society would like to call success. It has taken me my entire life to get to the point where I am right now, mentally and emotionally everyday is a struggle. I look in the mirror and wish I could bewitch my way out being ‘chubby’ but the reality is, by America’s standards…Whatever that is anyways. I am considered obese. Now with this being said, do I feel out of shape definitely. I am overweight in this moment in time. Yes, but. I have zero desire to be slim. It’s just now what I want. I like being 160 even if I am short. That what makes me happy and that is all that should matter. YOUR happiness. YOUR dreams. The resolution starts with you. If you come to this turning point where in yourself you see mistakes, flaws, beautiful things, a strong woman, a go getter etc... Then you can turn your destiny around be you once you have the quality to know that is a bigger, brighter picture.
So let me know how you feel about Feeding the Void, there is most definitely more to come and feel free to submit ideas and stories to sodamnglam@gmail.com xoxo.

This department store has no room for love or the idea of love
I appreciate you effort(s) they show promise
Not enough to win the hearts of hearts
Not enough to keep the suitor of your choice.
Stop playing a game you will never win.
Monopoly is for the intellectual.
We merely met the base.

xoxo

Email seems to sum it up, I'll re-say it.

Her.....

U act as if you think Im not gunna make this right. Or that Im not saying that I fucked up. I said all of this as soon as you found out. u didnt even give me a chance to explain what happened. You just flipped out and choked me!i HAVE BEEN TRYING MY BEST to live up to every promise I have made to you. And all in the process Im trying to work on the way I treat people. Im really hurt that u didnt give me a chance to say anything. Im stressed, youre stressed.. and the alcohol only made it worse. U STILL dont know what happened. And yes, I did hit her ass.. maybe just not soon enough. It was a very dumb move, and u act like u losing keys doesnt effect me. I thought we were in this together, and truthfully, i must admit I should have punched her as soon as she jumped in the car. I promise I didnt want to hit you, it was a natural reaction.. u wouldve done the same thing. I would have NEVER put my hands on you, if the roles were switched. EVER. I would NEVER hit you. well, at least not first. I understand that maybe my words are just as harsh as a fist, at times... U dont think I love you? U dont think I keep you in mind with everything I do? You dont think I would leave you hanging do you? I havent. I may fuck up, but I never LEAVE U OUT TO DRY. I speak the best things about you, Kevin and everyone else who knows me knows how I feel about my Pam :-). Ill still give u the money to straighten this situation out.pam

Me.....

Excuses. Thats all they are. You should have had your ass in the club dancing. Instead of outside trying to be seen and heard. You want everyone to pay attention and see you. Sit down and be quiet sometimes you might learn something. I have tried and tried to keep destroying my own self for the sake of a friendship that doesnt exist to you. So what you talk about me, you love me? You love yourself. Clearly. I would NEVER ever do anything like this to you. You fucked me over a thousand times and all their is is excuses. Its time to take responsiblity you call yourself rushing me and this that and the other. And you still ain't making no fucking progression from twenty mins ago. Do you get it?

Regardless of what your talking about right at this moment. You being the passenger damn near co-pilot of this car. It is your personal responsibility to go hard. I am not believing you can give me a bloody nose and you cannot do nothing to this chick. Give me a break. I am sick and tired. All this negativity all this drama. I rather be broke and homeless. Than setting myself dealing with someone who has all these things going on mentally. I get mad, I get sad who doesn't. You flip out all the time about the dumbest things. I never ever ever want to speak to you again in life. I do not want a single thing to do with. I do not care about where you go what you do nothing. Get yourself together. Don't think about me. Don't worry about me, NOTHING pertaining to me. Keep the money. I just want you away from me? Don't apologize I don't want emails from you. I do not care about what your going thru. NOTHING. You put your wellbeing and mine at risk. I ASKED you if you were okay to drive. You lost my keys to a car that is not registered to me. Do you have any idea what that means? You made me look like a fool 5 times now. Do not sit and act like I have never done anything, I consistently stay by your side and you repay me with this. You are a mean hateful person. That is why bad things keep happening to you. Like I said in my blog. IF someone does something to jasmine you want to hurt the closet person to you. So I can feel the same hurt. Toxic. I can live the rest of my life never having a single thought about you from this point on. Your personality is no longer the same. You changed. I am moving on.


with that being said....

Let's break this shit down to a science. I want people to really understand my point of view. I can be a idiot. I have made not so smart decisions. I will learn and move on there has to be something bigger waiting right? I been quiet all my life but outgoing at the same time. Its worked in my favor to a degree. I really don't think at points in life everyone is meant to hangout socialize whatever yall call that shit. If God made us all friends, there would be no hell to be raised. I am totally never and you won't catch this bitch being fake. It is something I don't have energy for. It takes too much effort. Alot of people have split personalites and portray a picture that is more of a mirage.

I get tired of people DOING me dirty and thinking that justice is served. I didn't wrong you, you wronged me. Since we are going to be messy, I will air everything out. We can be grown women can't we Keita or Jasmine whoever the fuck you claim you are. See I have many different names and i have seen and done many different things, that still at the end of the day makes me Pam. I am not in the business of pretending and putting on a show for a bunch of motherfuckers who wouldn't give two fucks about me tomorrow.

I have real genuine friends and they have me. They know I will always be there for them no matter what. That is the type of person I am. I blame myself for keeping toxic negative energy in my space. When I was wronged by you the 1st 34 times I should have closed the chapter. I kept hoping for the sweet person I knew at some point and time. But for what reason? In life you going to meet people who are just no good.

People who have nothing better to do than be evil and pessimistic and petty. I never once ONCE did anything to your ass to deserve the fucked up shit you say and do. If you got an issue with me still handle the shit. Don't go talking shit to whomever. I am right here. I was down the hall two doors down from you last week. I am sure you knew that too right? You wish i was still around to be the 'fall guy or the butt of your jokes' Sorry GOD, keeps blessing me with better things to do than negativity. I am not going to keep letting you get the satisfaction you are not my friend, but I am not going to dog you out to others cause you show your true colors everytime you say some negative shit about me! Dig your own grave. Build your own house don't worry about me! I am fine! You know that I am sure. I am pretty sure you are following me still even tho i blocked you.

I was dumb as fuck to keep trying to be a friend and love someone who doesn't even love themselves. So yes, I can take responsiblity for keeping a dead ass monkey on my back. So to you, have a wonderful and successful career at whatever you choose, I simply don't want anything to do with you.

That is a personal decision, yes you lost a person who loved you dearly at one point and time, and DID whatever she could, but nah homegirl I am good on you PERIOD. We had a good run, its over. Now with that said. Duece Bigalow.