I have come to the realization for the first time about 7+ years that I might be slightly retarded. (No Shade). I been crying, drinking Merlot, reading old blogs. Like...wth. I cannot sit around and ask..."Why not me?" for a long time now I haven't been putting myself in the position for it to be NOT me. I been too busy doing anything but that. Not that busy has been my friend. Busy in ways that have broken my humility down, created disarray and shadow of myself. I was so FOCUSED on so much of nothing. That I have ultimately, been in my OWN way.

You can completely be the reason to why, YOU will not and cannot progress forward. The past, the things you can't let go of, the pain, the sorrow, the blame game, the guilt, the poor choices. Blah. Blah Fucking. Blah. At the end of the day, ALL of that should be the reason you put the effort forward to be YOUR own success. Forgive us father we know not what we do. And this in every bit of it's entirety is true. I cannot begin to tell you the amount of emotions I feel, right now today. I feel like someone has taken me and blown new life into my veins. I cannot want anything for myself that I haven't tried to obtain with the demons, and monkey's in my pocket. I been entertaining the worst company. Even telling the company they were worthy. So in retrospect, I don't feel I should even feel sorry for myself. 

What do I want? 

I have spent 2012, suicidal, confused, experiencing losing someone that kept my heart beating, selling my soul. Just to always know that I was way more than that. I have always fucking known in my heart that I didn't have to settle for second last best, I didn't have to make poor choices, I didn't have lay in filth and live with fleas. I can't even sit here and expect anything to mean anything to anyone. But I know, I will look back on this and surpass the same milestone I just experienced by over viewing my mistakes, that I was making THE SAME fucking issues for myself, year after year. 

Change, yo.

---------------------------------
Recap:
------

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster

I been sitting here trying to map out WHAT I did to deserve the pain caused by someone who was my "friend" I kept trying to keep a enemy.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Making decisions with your heart vs your intellectual mind. Can really, really, fuck up the whole direction of your life course. LIKE word.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
History doesn't mean shit in relationships if it caused more harm than good. You just end up w/ additional baggage claims & woes.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
I have allowing someone to keep fucking up my life, knowing THEIR character, their mold. Because I felt obligated because of ??

1h   The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Where do you draw the line? When its too late? That's always, always what usually happens. Second, Fourth, Ninth chances? Aladdin.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Envy comes in all forms. Something you may have in your soul, in your character might have that same person at that the entire DAMN time.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Fact of the matter, Your BFF. Your Loved One, The person you hold next to gold. Could be blueprinting your fate with a smile. You usher it.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
"So yes, I can take responsiblity for keeping a dead ass monkey on my back" SO why did I re-visit that same DEAD ass weight?

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
A person can secretly know that can't ever be in that position BUT you can, stick around and try to make your GOOD situation THEIR situation

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Yo, there are really people who STAY and position themselves in your lives because they see the drive & ambition,but want it but its a trait

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
This might turn into a rant, but fuck it. Ain't nobody following me. Yall got me on mute.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Yo, I even went on the limb and said "I am the same Pam across the board, my personality doesn't alter" And it hasn't but my common sense?

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Looking back. THE SAME SHIT I SAID then was the same EMOTION I have now, so what the fuck makes me say "They have changed."

DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Why do we keep people around we KNOW we should have cut ties with? Or have cut ties with but keep re-visiting the same shitty relationship?

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Reading my old blog. Welp. Explains so much.---------------------------

Sigh. Its been a long time since I been over here. 'I ain't gonna lie' I really like tumblr better. But that's neither here nor there. But I guess I still have some sort of commitment to blogger. Ill buy a domain name one damn day. I promise.

Okay, so. Why are we still watching Maury? For the same reason we INEXPLICABLY, still find a way to be entertained by Meer Kat. I don't reference her by name anymore. Sue Me. She is anonymous. Anywoot, We already know its a trainwreck, but I guess trainwrecks are interesting to watch?! Don't Judge Me. I just added that cause i needed something else to say. So I just got some solutions. And some Screencaps, holla at young thug.

I am tired. Of people being named ignant shit like Tajuana. But its none of my business my name is Pam which isn't more more desirable. When I was 16, I was scared to even so much remotely do anything to piss my aunt off, and too scared to be in a gang. When children do things like this. 8 of 10 its because lack of attention. Stay on your kids. Be strict, but understanding. They will be okay, and when in doubt knock they monkey ass out.

Clearly, he ain't the motherfucking father. Why do you do this? For a free trip and hotel stay, cause, this right here is pure bullshit. Further more. WHAT.

Clearly, the damn captions write themselves. When you draw on MircoBrows, expect to be cheated on. Cause this means. Your walking around the house looking like Montel Williams all the damn time, he doesn't have eyebrows right? Furthermore, your main will look somewhere else if you start to look like a mexican Snooki. justsayindoe.

 I never knew you had to have a spiritual aura to be the father of child. You look and sound like a real coon.

Marisol. Makes ME cringe. This is proof that true sloots come in all shapes n sizes. 16 men brought the show. Are you serious? What does your vagina have to say about this? I really highly doubt that one person can have that much unprotected sex. I guess where your from, they don't give out free condoms? I would only pray that Miss Marisol is taking care of her children. And the grow up to never, ever find out about the Maury show.

The Maury Show is a insult to our intelligence, but none the less. Its still tragic but yet ole fashioned tv.

BlackWhiteGreenPurple. The race thing is really out of hand. Its sad that people really are going out their way to say 'I'm bi-racial, I don't want to be indentified with being black?!?' But that is a portion of your race. That is fine to want to be noticed for being biracial, I suppose. When your mom's and pops were fucking to make you I am sure they weren't like...'Oh I would love and old mexican n black baby!' Its really redundant.

I would blame a lot of different people for these 'image misconceptions' I know I may be considered 'Light Skin' But to most of the white people I grew up around. I was still being called a nigger. My 'light skin' didn't save me from being called a nigger or being made fun of because of my skintone. When I got around black kids they teased me even worse than the white folks. OH she think she cute cause she was mixed. I really never cared about my skin tone because my family never made it an issue. But being a child you process things. I think I thought everyone made a big deal outta something that didn't matter cause I have white aunt's cousins, etc.

Frankly. At 8 you could kiss my ass and miss with that light skin shit, i had barbies to play with and pranks to pull.


It hurt my feelings that people cared so much about things like this. but in time you just start to see that people's perception of beauty, what beauty should be is completely entirely distorted. People are reaching for shit that barely matters.





If you really are a 'disowning' your race. Your are disrespecting everyone that has struggled to get you to the point where you are now in life. Your ancestors and role models have paved the way. It shows sheer ignorance for you running around worrying about being 'mixed' when you go to job interviews them white people don't see you as being mixed. YOUR black. no matter how many combinations you put together. White people consider every person with hue. and a partial nap.Black. true story. There are way too many issues out here to be worried about than PUTTING BLEACH ON YOUR DAMN KIDS TO GET THEM LIGHTER.




now really, being a beautiful brown shade bothers you?! to the point where you would die to be LIGHTER? You can have my damn skin tone and see AIN'T A GOT DAMN THING GONNA CHANGE! who cares! Teach your kids how to be strong black men, how to survive REAL obstacles that they are going to face. Instead of drenching them down in man made chemicals. THE fuck is wrong with america? I don't want to be apart of this bullshit. You mean to tell me that shades of skin is more important than our lazy celebrity president not doing a damn thing but photo ops and twittering for innanet health care. I don't get jiggy with this shit. I don't appreciate my dollars going to any taxes until this fucked up economy is fixed.

And all these dumb ass rappers don't help women feel security or make them feel beautiful when they running to the first off brand 'so called exotic ho' they see with ass shots! Videos are filled with all kinds of wavy haired broads. Cast some different shades already. I am tired of all these kim kardashians, rosa acosta's, and whatever the fuck martian planet hos they be finding. show variety.

I don't give a fuck about you people or this wack shit you stand for. Get some orginality about yourself. Stop letting america dictate your happiness.