This morning was rough. I cried a lot. I know it's hard to understand why someone who seems 'tough' is melting down as adults, I think we all get to the point where situations become clearer and everything makes sense after breaking things down in their perspective order. No-one wants to lead a life of sadness, No-one wants to finish last place. The reality is all of us aren't built to be the best. Some people are just mediocre cause they allow themselves to be. Some just can't past all of the things that make it 'hard to get over'. I know me, I cannot allow myself not to be the best. Even it takes me 30 years to be the best me. I can be satisfied. Cause I worked hard to be the best. I have been struggling to understand why I am here. What is my purpose? The more I look around the less support and love, I have from the people I put my all into. I told my 'love' I cannot help that I care, as much as I say "IMMA BE MEAN" "FUCK THE WORLD" unfortunately I don't have it in me to actually feel that way. I care about everyone. I am always being considerate. I always try to do what I can to help anyone that needs it. That is just the type of person I am. Everyone needs support even if it just mental. We all need it. It builds the person, not making you but its a big part in forming you. With high hopes I get tired of saying "Ima be optimistic!' But for what? Being optimistic is a cop out. You don't need optimism you need motivation to get you to where you wanna be. I thin k alot of times we say stuff like that with a cloud of doubt surrounding it. All my life by everyone I have been treated like the so-so family pet. I am loved.Often forgot about, Ignored, the same love i show them they do not show it back if i get hoit or bit. It's always "You'll Be Alright!" and i am being ignored all over again. I have tried to over look the fact that my family treats me this way. My entire life I have been shuffled from home to home. And people acting as if I was a pest. Just a child. With a bad parent. It seems like my entire life has been on false hopes. So what is what everyone would say. pain is still pain and its has and NAME cause it doesn't feel good. Everyone has become "Condoms" its safe to tellme or someone some corny qote or message "its ok" "everyone goes thru it" DAMN that shit. Hit me with the truth. I am tired of quotes. I NEED SOLUTION. I wish people cared about me the same WAY i extend myself out. NOW i have nothing left of me. And that is why I say I am losing touch with myself.

Please watch. Weight, Lack of Weight Misconceptions come in many different sizes and textures. If you wouldn't consider overeating, Or comfort eating a problem You could consider anorexia one as well. They are all dressed in blue. Just different sizes.

Let's start this shit off by knowing my facial expression...




Girls. Girls. I cannot call YOU women when you clearly act like kids. So it is what it ISith. See there is a fine line between WOMEN and GIRLS. And Please dont mistake me for either. I AM A FUCKING BEAST, google beastyassmoondust. I am so over the fact that everyone is being terribly cliche! and MOST of all PREDICTABLE. i SEE you feathers flocking and sucking designer dicks and contracting LABEL stds. Everyone of you want to be a writer now? GFOH -> Your just stealing vintage thoughts I and a few others thought in 2007. Read my MYSPACE. Thin ideas, get SAT on. There is not an ounce originality in nothing you Minajs, Boyhymed, Loubie Feeted' STILL FAKE BAG wearing heffas are doing. Very Unassuming. These lovely girls, will be the final result for any of my 2009 issues. You will be the girl I use as my coaster cup. To place my purple DRANK. When will you start chasing the real dream? YOUR life. I wish girls, would stop IMITATING women. This life i lead, is a grown woman's life. Shit it might have flaws. I can admit that. Anything that perceived TO be perfect is something I never care to meet.




With this being said. Leave WOMEN out of your issues.
Making it hard, cause EVERY negro expects us to BE basic like you.

-first things, 1st I would like to thank @justnancyp (via twitter) for this subject.

What I am about to do is really brave, but its needed to free a part of myself. To release the sadness, to overcome the obstacles, To honestly be THE best me, I figure I would have to break down the issues. Ask For Help, except criticism. Love myself enough TO truly love and appreciate my dreams.



I can do so many things but for some strange reason I am so scared of me. I say I want these things but why not strive to be the best and make the best happen with these things?

Pros and Cons. Fears and Sorrows. Friends and Foes. HATE that i LOVE to hate YOU.

Into your eyes I have seen many heartaches
You come with soul red and your dreams blue
catching your remembrance in which we partake
The loneliness has numbered you play out, over and thou
several demons crossing over into one slice to break
a hero has kissed your lips to give life to the passion you grew
for you, yourself onto you...

Its funny, when you initially meet me five minutes later I can be a open book if you let yourself subside this area. Not saying that is a good nor great thing. My life to me has always been beautifully tragic. Meaning some moments are so in awe you wouldn't believe. Its like tasting something that was so delectable but the contents were tragic. The things that it took to compose THIS thing you love, YOU lust is tragic. I have given people ALL of me in anything and everything. TO the point where their pain effected me. You try to rationalize 'Why would one do such a thing?' if i could tell you. Suicide

In anyone's sake, i remember being a little girl. And thinking heroes were liars. I used to tell the teacher, I don't like that word. I remember my mom saying just make something up. HOW can you make a hero? No one seemed to understand. Heroes are make believe sure, there are real life heroes who rescue people from the fire. Or save the cat from the tree. But where are the heroes who save the souls? Where are the heroes that save you from poverty and despair, not superman. Or the man that got the kitty out the tree. Looking back at being 8 thinking that. I been a little old lady for some while now.

Point being made to me the same beauty, the same vibrance this world used to hold. Its very lackluster. The dullness is spread across. Because allowing yourself to fall victim to the should and wouldas OF this unpronounced FAME! is unjust. Not everyone is built to be a brickhouse, just like every brain is not meant to function correctly NO matter how bad we want it to. WIth that being said. I don't spotlight. I don't want false hopes and expectations to live up to. Cause with this fame, comes the dark side, I am already sitting in the shade.

I am taking suicide of this endless lonely and hanging from a shabby hotel shower. I been alone so in being alone. You learn to be in lust, in love with lonely and if that ain't TRAGIC. I don't know what is.


......

She said hold your breath
So you don't cum away from me
Too soon
Then I forgot what I was goin'
To tell you
When the summer air
Blew in the day
Change white to gray
I laid with you
And felt your body reach its peak
Did I hear you say
Come harder baby
So I can feel your waist vibrate
When white turns to gray
I laid with you
White turns to gray
I laid with you
You
I laid with you

You know you stayed away too long
Did you miss me
Looks like your heartbeat is rushing
Sick of rushing
But woah
It's still good
I feel you all on me
Can you feel me too
When the summer air blew in
Change white to gray
I layed with you
And felt your body reach its peak
I hear you say
come harder baby
So I can feel your waist vibrate
When white turns to gray
When white turns to gray

Old blog. October 4th, 2007.
The points are still relevant.


Every Little Step I Take.....

she will be there.?

Last night I came across a hip hop blog while downloading music. I started to check her little site out and became intrigued by all this nonsense.What the fuck is the world coming to. Don't answer that yet.I have kinda be researching 'Superhead' and have come to see. That we can blame people in society for us looking like baffoons. So for this thank you very much 'cum guzzler'.
I have a hate/love realtionship with this whole situation so there is are a series of questions i have for my readers which i will address at the end of this blog.

me being a reader of the first book.

It left me with mixed feelings about her. Now after seeing her site and reading blogs, and listening to these radio interviews you see a person who has not changed not ONE bit. And it's fine if you haven't changed just admit to that. and KEEP it real. She is just repeating the cycle, I don't see any growth or progression. From being the black female extortionist of the USA. She says's things like "that these people were nobodies?" NOW if that were really true. She would not have became a best seller right. She would have been a whore writing a book about being a whore.Detroit Interview they spoke on my thoughts exactly. And further more sucking a dick is not excuse for your son. In many interviews she brings him up. She would really stop using him as an excuse for the things, you could have prevented. Whatever you do, do. Be 100% not 85% cause it's starting to look like history repeating itself? Doesn't It. So that means. YOU not setting an single example. for anyone not even your self.It is quite disturbing. Because she really is beautiful woman and I can agree with different aspects of the things she says but there is a very fine line. I cannot stand behind being real part that seems to be keep being thrown out there. I do indeed commend her for getting paid for her slut exploits.

good shit. So my point is for the 2008 will there be other cocksuckers willing to write books about fucking celebs go for it.! Gossip always sells itself. So i guess she will always be ahead right? Or a bestseller i should say in plain terms.
THEN.

this weave is horrendous. _________.insert your comments there.
then she has a totally different outcome on life when she is on the Oprah show versus her rants on the Foxxhole with my father Jamie Foxx. Interview with Jamie Foxx. I sat and listened to the whole hour and 30 mins of it just because I listen before I make comments. My mother has had went threw tuns of shit. I spent my whole life on welfare and taking care of my own mother when she should have been taking care of me. But I'll be damned if and when I get a child I will use the reason for the things I do, because of them. Sure sometimes there is a right to say I wouldn't be working this hard, or I wouldn't make these sacrifices if it were not for my child, but for it to be the story of your life and you repeat the EXACT pattern two years later. Shows me that you are, your own personal con artist. You trying convince yourself of these things.
I do commend her for certain things she has said as far as you are going to receive more as a woman if you have your shit together men with money feel more inclined to a woman who has her life together that whole fiasco because I see it first hand because of my dancing experiences. BUT the contradictions lie so damn deep that it makes you wonder how one can even be so setforth with the things that they say. There is just no substance to cars and clothes that mental can lock hold on.

so can someone sign me up for the free money goodies bag. I want to talk a bunch of shit and get paid for it. Seems like the profession of choice for me. I am a good shit talker. Anywhoo. My main point for this whole blog will be this. There are a number of reasons of why this woman is liked or disliked. I do not agree with some or her standpoints or views. Or the fact she likes to say 'faggot'. But I ultimately see the bigger picture. Many women in the adult industry being from models,dancers, etc.. she says alot about how this and that and this. She capitalized on using her pussy to gain fame and a name. Is that so wrong? Or the fact that she is the biggest walking contradiction is what is wrong... I have been thru many of the same things as far as growing up fatherless, being raped and living the dancer lifestyle. I get SO tired of people using there excuses to shield from the bigger picture. So no one can see.I cannot relate to fucking celebs or fucking for money. But i have realized in the past that I have tried to fuck away my pain. Tried to fuck away my loneliness.. And there is something wrong with that, but it would ultimately be up to me to change that. I think lots of young black women use sex to suppress many things. But don't our black men do the same thing. Us as a people in general if you would want to get technical. But it's most definitely not something to make a career out of or even be boisterous about. It's about do we change this and teach our daughters, sisters, friends, to be powerful women by knowing the lessons of life. Or do we let AIDS and chlamydia corrupt women til we are here no further. Stop buying this bitches books and feeding into her vagina scandals. She is an embarrassment to women everywhere. She says smart things, that she has learned from some OG stripper. period.You are not a role model. You are lost soul.

be safe wayne. we need to keep them platinum records coming.....