I have come to the realization for the first time about 7+ years that I might be slightly retarded. (No Shade). I been crying, drinking Merlot, reading old blogs. Like...wth. I cannot sit around and ask..."Why not me?" for a long time now I haven't been putting myself in the position for it to be NOT me. I been too busy doing anything but that. Not that busy has been my friend. Busy in ways that have broken my humility down, created disarray and shadow of myself. I was so FOCUSED on so much of nothing. That I have ultimately, been in my OWN way.

You can completely be the reason to why, YOU will not and cannot progress forward. The past, the things you can't let go of, the pain, the sorrow, the blame game, the guilt, the poor choices. Blah. Blah Fucking. Blah. At the end of the day, ALL of that should be the reason you put the effort forward to be YOUR own success. Forgive us father we know not what we do. And this in every bit of it's entirety is true. I cannot begin to tell you the amount of emotions I feel, right now today. I feel like someone has taken me and blown new life into my veins. I cannot want anything for myself that I haven't tried to obtain with the demons, and monkey's in my pocket. I been entertaining the worst company. Even telling the company they were worthy. So in retrospect, I don't feel I should even feel sorry for myself. 

What do I want? 

I have spent 2012, suicidal, confused, experiencing losing someone that kept my heart beating, selling my soul. Just to always know that I was way more than that. I have always fucking known in my heart that I didn't have to settle for second last best, I didn't have to make poor choices, I didn't have lay in filth and live with fleas. I can't even sit here and expect anything to mean anything to anyone. But I know, I will look back on this and surpass the same milestone I just experienced by over viewing my mistakes, that I was making THE SAME fucking issues for myself, year after year. 

Change, yo.

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Recap:
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The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster

I been sitting here trying to map out WHAT I did to deserve the pain caused by someone who was my "friend" I kept trying to keep a enemy.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Making decisions with your heart vs your intellectual mind. Can really, really, fuck up the whole direction of your life course. LIKE word.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
History doesn't mean shit in relationships if it caused more harm than good. You just end up w/ additional baggage claims & woes.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
I have allowing someone to keep fucking up my life, knowing THEIR character, their mold. Because I felt obligated because of ??

1h   The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Where do you draw the line? When its too late? That's always, always what usually happens. Second, Fourth, Ninth chances? Aladdin.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Envy comes in all forms. Something you may have in your soul, in your character might have that same person at that the entire DAMN time.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Fact of the matter, Your BFF. Your Loved One, The person you hold next to gold. Could be blueprinting your fate with a smile. You usher it.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
"So yes, I can take responsiblity for keeping a dead ass monkey on my back" SO why did I re-visit that same DEAD ass weight?

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
A person can secretly know that can't ever be in that position BUT you can, stick around and try to make your GOOD situation THEIR situation

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Yo, there are really people who STAY and position themselves in your lives because they see the drive & ambition,but want it but its a trait

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
This might turn into a rant, but fuck it. Ain't nobody following me. Yall got me on mute.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Yo, I even went on the limb and said "I am the same Pam across the board, my personality doesn't alter" And it hasn't but my common sense?

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Looking back. THE SAME SHIT I SAID then was the same EMOTION I have now, so what the fuck makes me say "They have changed."

DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Why do we keep people around we KNOW we should have cut ties with? Or have cut ties with but keep re-visiting the same shitty relationship?

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Reading my old blog. Welp. Explains so much.---------------------------

I decided to chatterbox with you all for a moment since I have been gone a majority of the year dedicating myself to a bunch of shit that didn't work out for me anyways. I decided why not dedicate myself to my own shit. SO that way when shit doesn't go the way I want, at least I know I was putting effort into myself and not anyone else. But people don't read anymore anyways so it doesn't matter. Unless I can trick you into reading by tweeting. "My pussy lips" or some other vulgar nonsense to get you to read what you never WANTED to waste 4 mins on reading anyways...Don't get me wrong I have enjoyed some of the things and various ventures but its definitely time to decide what will be done. I called myself halfway ass designing this too. Oh blah you get it. Welcome back doe